Starting the Gym: as an extremely anxious person.

In the midst of a really rainy January, I finally did it. I started working on my summer body. I wore my cutest gym set, slipped my soaked coat into a locker and locked eyes with the treadmill, the saviour of any new gym goer.

And then, of course, my brain stopped working. How does it turn on? Do I need to connect the clip to my top? Nobody else has, but do I need to? Why am I finding everything so tricky? Do I hold onto the bars? Do I run? Walk? Use the incline? It honestly feels like a never-ending panic of attempting to not look stupid or like it’s the first time in a gym, even if it is. So, this is how I began to love working out, as someone who is extremely anxious.

Once I stopped the anxiety-induced sweats and the treadmill was turning slowly on an incline, I glazed my eyes over the equipment in front of me, watching how people grab metal bars, and swing their legs back, turning red in exhaustion.

45 minutes later, I’m still walking, in awe of the moving bodies around me. I took my dry coat out of the locker, sticking to my sweaty skin as I put it on and left. That night I scrolled endlessly on TikTok for fitness influencers to follow. I found ‘shy girl’ or beginner workouts to be most helpful. TikTok’s ‘shy girl’ workouts are routines that show easy enough moves, allowing you to stay in the same place and, let me tell you, that is exactly what I needed.

My brain is now full of workouts, diets, supplements and I’m back on the treadmill doing 12-3-30, a TikTok trend (which shouldn’t be underestimated because that one really kills). It taught me that incline walking is better than running. I felt motivated and ready to begin. But then the anxiety kicks in. It’s time to head to the dumbbells and complete the routine I’ve watched an American girl do easily, with a physique of going to the gym for 3 years and there I was, still over-complicating how to pick up a weight.

I sat in the corner, and turned my phone brightness down, pretending like I wasn’t rewatching the TikTok I saved from last night (that’s exactly what I was doing). After re-watching, I learnt the form of an RDL- but what if it’s wrong? What if the weight isn’t correct? What if someone is laughing at me? What if someone comes over to tell me I’m doing it wrong? Then I finished my first set of 12, sweating, butt on fire, expecting to see the whole gym staring at me; nobody. Not one person was bothered about what I was doing. Truthfully, nobody really knows what they’re doing. Even though it’s hard to remember, everyone starts at the same place. The way to learn, see progress and improve your mindset, is all about practice and making mistakes.

Being 3 months in, my mental and physical health has improved. I am still anxious, but in the gym, it goes away. Instead of trying to lose weight, it’s about getting stronger. I am still learning and there’s a very long way to go, but I know this is the beginning of a new me.